As I approach my due date today, I wanted to take some time to reflect on the past 9 months. Disclaimer - this is not a fashion post. I want to share some of my struggles, joys and what the Lord has taught me over the course of this pregnancy. I hope that my honesty and vulnerability can bring encouragement to someone and I hope this is something that Emma Grace can look back on one day.
Being a mother is something I've always desired. And I don't take it for granted. I've had friends struggle with fertility and it has reminded me of how much of a gift this is, not something we are owed but a blessing. It took my husband and I 11 months to get pregnant (which I know couples who have waited much longer) but I remember during the time of waiting there were always moments where I questioned if this was ever going to happen for us. But I continued to put my trust in God's plan for us and His timing. Not knowing what the future would hold but placing it in God's hands.
Last summer, back in June 2015, we found out that my mother, at the age of 61, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My whole life was shattered. I'm not sure there are words to fully explain the amount of overwhelming sadness or heartache I felt. Maybe even a little depression. It was hard to not let it consume me. It was a time of hoping and praying for the best but yet still preparing for the worst. And to say that is a tough place to be is an understatement. At the time, I remember thinking - I need some good news for mom. Well maybe for us too. And just hoping each month that we would find out we were pregnant. And each month that passed, brought more discouragement. But the Lord reminded me to put my hope in Him and not in the outcome. And He was merciful. In November, when we were about to start doing special testing to see if there was a fertility problem, we found out we were pregnant! And I was overjoyed! The hope of becoming a mother, what I've always wanted, seemed more real. All the while, I was starting to lose my own mother. Something you're never ready for. And while I thought this good news would somehow help my mom's condition, I can't say that it has. I know that it has brought her joy. And I'm grateful for that. Moments like telling her I was pregnant or having her feel Emmy kicking when I was home for a shower, those are times I'll never forget. But it has been hard. And there have been moments of mourning an incredible loss. I realized pretty quickly that I was going through this journey of becoming a mother without my own mother. And while it's been so exciting for my husband and I, to have this baby girl growing inside me that would soon be ours, it has also been really emotional and heartbreaking at times. I always imagined having my mom be a part of this - from helping me pick out items for my registry to sharing pregnancy advice or being there in the hospital with me to hold my hand and helping me take care of this little girl once she was born, teaching me everything I needed to know about being a mother. But I've kind of had to go through this process without her. And that reality was hard to accept. My heart breaks for her because I know that she would have wanted nothing more than to be there for me. That's something she used to always talk about. But the Lord has been reminding me that He did not leave me as an orphan. That I am not alone. He has been a father and a mother to me during this time. And He has surrounded me with a strong community, friends and extended family like my dear mother-in-law and sister-in-laws who have helped to fill that void and flood me with love, encouragement and support. Checking in on me and caring about things I know my mother would have cared about. My broken relationship with my father of 9 years after my parents divorce has finally started to heal. And I'm so incredibly grateful for that. God has brought a lot of beauty out of darkness. And of course for my husband, who has been my rock. And during the moments when I just need to cry about not having my mom through all of this, he steps in and just holds me.
When I first started thinking about writing this, I wasn't sure how much I'd share about my mom. In fact, I thought I would write about other things. Like- I'll admit, it hasn't been an easy pregnancy (and I'm not just talking about bad morning sickness or back pain). But we had some challenges along the way - like a scare of a genetic disorder (in the first trimester I was told I was a carrier of Spinal Muscular Atrophy but praise God we later found out that my husband is not a carrier) or that I was diagnosed with Gestational Diabetes (which by the way has given me such a heart for those who live with diabetes every day) or that during my second trimester my husband lost his job and everything seemed to be falling apart. It was like the enemy was trying to attack me with fear, worry and anxiety. But the Lord continued to remind me to not be fearful and to trust in Him. That He is good, that He is for me and not against me, that He is with us, that He loves this baby girl so much and is protecting her and that I can find peace as I put my hope in Him. And God has shown us so much mercy and faithfulness, answering our prayers along the way and looking after this baby. I remember even getting my 20 week ultrasound (the big one where you get to see everything for the first time) and it was this mix of emotions, I struggled with fear, hoping there was nothing wrong with what I was looking at but in the same breath also full of so much joy that we were getting to see our daughter! The Lord taught me that fear really does steal our joy. And He wants us to find peace as we trust Him, letting go of all our fears.
Through all of these ups and downs, it has still been an incredible 9 months. And any day now we will get to meet this baby girl. I still can't wrap my head around the fact that she is going to be ours. It still seems so surreal. My husband and I have dreams about what she'll be like, what she'll look like. We really just can't wait to get to know her. And love her. There's this song from one of my favorite new Broadway musicals that sadly just closed (Bright Star) but it's called, "I Can't Wait." The song is about a mother singing to her baby boy who is about to be born and she sings about how she can't wait to see his face. That their love is meant to be. That she hopes he's just like his daddy. It's such a sweet song. And has been on my heart throughout this pregnancy, imaging that it's about a little girl, but the lyric, "I can't wait to see you" has been playing over and over in my head. And I do hope she's just like her daddy!
I really can't wait to be this little girl's mom. I just love her so much already and am so excited to hold her in my arms for the first time and to have her join our family, to be a part of our lives. And as I reflect, I'm just so humbled and grateful for how the Lord has blessed us with this amazing gift. The same gift that I know I was to my mom. She always told me that one of her greatest joys was being the mother to my brother and me. I'm thankful for the example my mom was to me growing up, showing me what it looks like to be such a loving mother, to be so selfless, kind and compassionate. And I know that God will continue to prepare me for this path of motherhood and will be with me all along the way. I'm not alone.
So Emma Grace, we'll see you soon! I can't wait!